brinybaby

Thix journal is too depressing... I think it may be time for a new one..

I really hate those Staple commercials right now.  I don't think anyone knows how much I wish life had an easy button.  If all my problems could just go away with the touch of a button...  I have enough personal issues I have to go through on a daily basis.  I don't talk to anyone about my real problems, I am not comfortable in talking about those issues.  I don't know if I have ever been so depressed before.  I have been going through so much crap in the last few months and it has not been easy.  Family issues are a lot to deal with too.  You know how in school there was always that kid that got picked last? That's how I feel in my family everyday.  I have so much stress and sadness that goes on everyday.  I almost wish I had a different life, but then I know people have it worse than me and I wouldn't want that wish to come true and end up there.  I don't know how to fix things in my life right now, I hope things get better soon.  These last couple years have just had too many ups and downs.  Can the rest of the year just be ups??? I kinda need that right now.  I don't think I can handle much more bad.  I am so sick of feeling crappy.  I remember telling a friend the other day not to let people bring her down and only she has the power to let them.. I can give good advice and strong words to people yet I can't follow it myself.  I need to work on that.  I shouldn't have to feel this way, and I shouldn't let anyone make me feel this way.  So I guess i am kinda pissed off at myself for allowing that.  I guess I need to figure out who is worth my tears and who isn't.. I have things I gotta do tonight and I feel like crying every couple minutes.

Wow I can't believe how much a facebook status can annoy me!!  I even confronted her and I am still mad..

I made a decision.  I choose to forgive.  I can't forget everything that has happened, but in time that will might go away because it's still in the healing process.  I think everyone is entitled to their opinions, and some of them are very well deserved.  I can not live in the past anymore.  Even if I decided to walk away, I still wanted the air cleared and to be able to look back on things with a smile and NO negativity!  I can do that now, and hopefully i won't have to walk away.  People say that this person needs to get out of high school.. when you make a cryptic message, especially a public one, and you have no intention to confront the person/people it is about personaly, that is a high school moment.  I can't be there anymore.  Which is why if I have a problem with you, your going to know.  I am not going to shrug shit off anymore, it just lets stuff build up, and in the end you find out your still angry about something that happened months before and hold a grudge.  I really had an insightful moment tonight at work when I was checking my facebook (I was bored..lol) I all of a sudden realized all of this.  How can I even be happy with myself if I think bad things about people?  I don't want that.. so I am going to try to be done with that.

I really wish I could just write about something happy... these journal posts I have been making  for the last few months have been nothing but sad and bad things happening.  I would love to update and write about happy things.  The last few months have been hard, and it has just been full of loss.  Some things that happened I wasn't okay with at first, but I am now.  I think you realize you just grow out of things, you change and you don't want to be held back by problems, and drama anymore.  Other losses are just hard to deal with.  I was getting over my grandpa passing, I didn't talk to him often, I really only saw him on the holidays, and that was my fault, I could have talked to him at anytime, I wish I would have.  I think about him sometimes, and today the toxicology report came back.. suicide... that was hard to hear.  We all thought he died from drinking too much, and I really wish that would have been the case.  I know that sounds bad, because drinking all the time is slowly killing yourself.. but he made the decision to just end it right there that night.  I wish he could have called someone.   I know he wasn't happy, but I really wish he would have been able to pull through, sell the apartment like he wanted to, and move closer to his family.  It would have been good for him, and I am sure instead of taking those pills, he would have died in his sleep, hopefully of natural causes.  It feels like I just found out he died again.  Like the closure I got is gone.  I don't really know how to deal right now, it's hard.  It's so hard knowing how depressed he really must have been to do that.  Finding out that he died was hard, finding out how he died is so much worse. These are the moments where I wish the world was just like rainbows and lolipops. 

I had to put my cat down last night.  I thought it was hard then, but today feels so much worse.  I was okay all day when I was at work, but when I got a couple blocks away from my house it just got so hard.  I would walk into my house and he wouldn't be there to greet me.  He wouldn't be there to beg for my dinner, he wouldn't be waiting for me up in room, or see me go into my room and follow me in.  I miss Tom Tom so much.  I had him since I was 9 years old, it's like a huge part of my life is missing.  It's just all these small things, you don't realize how much they meant to you until they are gone.  At the same time though, I am glad he isn't in pain anymore.  He lost so much weight, he was barely eating, and lately what he did eat he couldn't keep down.  The vet said that Tom had a tumor, and the does explain everything.  He was just the best cat you could ask for.  You could pick him up and cuddle with him any time you wanted to, he would stay with you even if he didn't want attention at that moment.  Anytime I was upset he could come right to me, and now I don't have that.  He was such a comfort everday.  I just miss him so much, and I can't believe how hard this is.  The saddest thing is when he got the shot to be put to sleep a minute later he got sick, that made it so much more sad, he didn't even close his eyes.  I really wish that he didn't get sick and he was still here.  I loved him so much, and it just hurts. 

I have no idea why things are the way they are.. I have so many theories, and some are like beating me over the head!! Honestly.. as much as I just want to follow those feelings it is so hard to without proof.  If I ever get that proof I will go balistic.  There will be a wrath like no one has ever seen, and I will make sure the world knows.  And even if I am wrong, why is it still cool, ya know? Shouldn't this be working in my favour more? Yet it doesn't? And it feels like it is thrown in my face.. like hey look I have this and that, I got what I wanted.. you have nothing now.. because that is how it should work? I wish my world worked like that, fuck it would be beautiful. 

In other news, I am so freaking confused.. not sure what to do.. do I ignore it? Say something? Which will probably not get a response anyways.. may make thinks less akward next time though.. but even then, will it? And what do I say? What can I say? Ya know, it's one of those situations where nothing can be done, it feels like.  I'm almost positive I have lost a friend, and that does suck.  I am pretty much over that, but at the same time some actions do hurt.  There has to be a way to ease the tension.. sharing common friends, and knowing that you will see that person again eventually, you kinda wanna work out something. 

What is with this.. in the last year I have lost 3 friends, one of them I was friends with for years, and that is the one that actually hurts a little.  He may have had an asshole attitude, but I do kinda miss him sometimes.  I went through a bad fight with another friend at the beginning of this year.. lasted about 2 weeks or so.. and that one I can't even figure out what it was about.  There is still unanswered questions, but they will probably never get answered.  I am not going to bring them up again.. when you ask about something atleast 5 times and get no response, what is the point in asking again? Your only setting yourself up for dissipointment. 

I can see how well this year is starting.. I am not looking forward to next month.  I'm afraid that things will get worse, and I have no idea how that will happen.  I am usually a happy person, I might dwell on things for a while, but I can get myself in a happier state of mind.  Now that is kinda hard.  I have moments where I feel like myself, but then I have moments where I feel sad and want to cry.  There is just too much bull shit going on lately.  I liked my life better when there was no drama.

Hmm.. so the year of drama and debt.. can we go back to 2009 please? When I had some more self confidence, and I wasn't sad? And I knew how people fit into my life? When I wasn't confused? When I didn't have theories about people? When I didn't want to be proven wrong? When I didn't think people were selfish inconsiderate assholes? When I actually liked people? When I actually wanted to care about how people feel? When I wanted to be a good friend? When I wanted to be a nice person? When I was happy? Like really, turn back the clock 28 days, put it to December 31 and lets just start out this year again..

The last couple weeks have been really hard.  I have been feelling really down and depressed.  I honestly don't feel like myself at all.  I finally think things are starting to get better with one situation, only to find out that there is a completely different one going on.  I feel completely used.. thank god I didn't have feelings because if I did I don't even want to know how I would feel.  I don't think I will ever make that same mistake again.  I really just feel like crying.  Who does that to someone.. like that was really classy.. asshole. 

Dear.. Well you know who you are,

I can't believe that you discount all the good things I have done for you and focus only on the negative.  Whenever you have needed me I have been there for you, I would pretty much run to your rescue, you and I both know this.  One bad thing happens, and all of a sudden you can't trust me anymore? And you don't talk to me.. honestly on a scale of like 1-10, 10 being the highest, this situation is probably like a 3, and your making it seem like a 20.  This has honestly gone on long enough.  The longer you keep this going the more angry and upset I get, it also makes me want to be less close to you.  I feel like you are just throwing a friendship away.  You can go ahead and say that I am overreacting but I think you need to take a walk in my shoes for this situation.  The whole thing has been confusing because you haven't talked to me.. you haven't really talked to me in 2 weeks, those bitchy text messages last week don't really count.  Half answers and not answering questions doesn't make confusion go away.  It just makes people feel like your playing games, which is why I made that comment.  If you every truly cared about this friendship you wouldn't be acting how you are, you would want to resolve things.  I do realize you have issues going on in your life right now, I read your journal post from last week and I am sorry you had to experience that. You are not the only one who has stress in their lives and isn't happy, I go through those same feelings. Yet when a situation comes up with someone I really care about I put my own personal problems aside so I can work on that relationship.  I guess you don't feel the same way.  I would like our friendship to get back on track, but that is all up to you.  Keep in mind the longer you waste time the harder it will be to get back.  You also need to realize you were not the only person hurt in this, my feelings have been hurt too, in a much different way. 

Sincerely,
Waiting for an answer

I think people need to just grow the fuck up. Silence, doesn't make problems go away. Sitting on your ass doens't help motivate you to do anything in your life, it just makes you lazy. Why hold grudges? They take too much effort, it not only upsets the person who is holding the grudge but it effects the person they are mad at as well. There is too much energy wasted on negative feelings.. why not use that energy and try to do something positive? Or instead of being a bitch about something realize hey obviously this situation isn't working so lets fix things.. and not just give up when you are done, you should let the other person have their say as well. There are two sides to every story. When you make changes involving more than just yourself you need to compromise, that doesn't mean that one person does what the other person wants, it means you both try to make things better for yourselves AMD eachother. I am sick of selfish, self centered people. I am sick of quietly being in the background and not saying what I really mean.. yes I know I am outspoken about a lot of things, but I don't stand up for myself enough. That is one change I am making. I will no longer go to leaps and bounds for anyone unless they actually deserve it. Why should I always be the one that has to help everyone? Someone calls me upset, or talks to me online upset I am there for you. That is just who I am, but at the same time I want to be selfish as hell and change that. I have a lot of problems of my own and I don't have anyone who goes to any length to help me out of them like I do for other people. It's pretty upseting. It's fucked up.. like my dad is like that too, but he does with everyone but his own family..messed up hey? I really see what means now when he told me years ago that when you help out someone don't ever expect to get anything in return for it because it won't happen. It is true. I have never expected anything in return, I just don't want to feel like what I did for you was a waste of my time. I do feel that way about a lot of things, but at the same time I'm not sure if I should feel that way. I have been noticing a lot of things the last few months, I think especially since I took that interpersonal communcations course..I see things a lot differently than I use to.

These are just some things I needed to get off my chest, I did not write this about anyone I have just been feeling kinda down lately and needed to vent it out. If you *think* something in here is about you then obviously you feel that way about yourself. I am speaking about people in general.

The longer you take to get back to me the more pissed off I get. If we are suppose to be friends.. apparently best friends are we not suppose to talk about things? But instead it goes YOUR way which means there is no talking about anything. You can be the one who is pissed off and I can be sad and hurt, and feel down but you only care about your own feelings. But then again there is nothing new with that, so I don't even know why it should bother me at me all. I guess I just feel used.. not having job in the summer and having to borrow gas money off my mom to come and see you because you were upset about something and I thought it was my duty as the 'best friend' to run and be there.. I has broke as hell at the time and you rarely if ever gave me gas money then..because if your friends wanted to see you then you shouldn't have to pay them gas money.. not everytime I went down there I wanted to go down there.. half of the time it was because you were sad or crying about something and really needed someone.. so yeah I'm there for you as a friend, but it's not easy always having to hear negative conversations and always being the one to help you pick up the pieces. It sounds mean I know, I don't want it to come off that way but I have no other way to word it. Who else will come see you when they are broke, can barely pay bills yet borrows money to make their friend feel better? On top of that listen to every problem in your life, sit on hold while you fight with your mom on the other line.. god you know I go through so much of your crap with you I practically experience it with you. Then all this bull shit happens because of a guy..it feels like that is how it started anyways. First a lack of communcation that gets you pissed off at me.. uh if you feel hurt about something I did DON'T be a bitch about it, just say what I did that upset you and then we can figure out how to fix it, when you come off rude from the beginning that makes things worse.. you try to guilt me, but it makes me want to say 'go fuck yourself' which is pretty much what happened in that situation. Which is why I did not invite you to come along or cancel and rearrange my plans. If you would have said something like 'hey I was really hoping to you see you tonight, I really wanted a friend' you do realize I would have responded to your feelings right? I would have been like oh I am so sorry, we didn't really talk much about these plans but lets figure out a way to fix this. You see how that would have NOT been a fight? Yet you blame me for that situation when you handled it pretty fucking bad.

Situation number 2.. I didn't tell you about plans I had.. didn't see the big deal in that because 1 the plans were made before I went to bed and 2 the plans were cancelled before I even talked to you that day. It is not my fault if he tells you he is coming to my place when he wasn't. I did not lie to you, I had nothing to tell you because NOTHING was going on. Yet you take what he says and get mad at me or something.. I'm not really sure all I know is when you FINALLY got back to me after asking if you were alive.. you only asked about him.. cuz that mattered? Maybe you should have talked to me too, you know there is two sides to every story right. Then the next day you won't even talk to me.. and we have conversations on facebook,you tell me your not mad but you were 'choked' about the situation.. uh what situation? I didn't realize there was one. I didn't do a damn thing for you to even be upset about. You won't tal to me, yet you will talk to him.. hmmm.. isn't he the one that lied to you and said he was coming here when he wasn't? And isn't the fact that you thought he was coming here and I didn't say he was was what upset you? hmmm... well seeing as how he didn't come here why be 'choked' with me? You also say you don't want to talk on your phone for a few days to anyone.. you said and I quote.. that you wanted to get away from certain people for a few days.. thanx.. and on fb you said it was because you felt like your phone was a ball and chain... okay whoa 2 different stories? And in situation number 3 (which I will get to in a minute) you say you were only using it in emergenices.. uh.. okay 3 VERY different stories.. hmm.. so makes atleast 2 of them lies.. why not just be truthful? Oh wait it's because you want to make me feel like crap over nothing? Yeah that's how it feels.

Situation 3.. He is over at my place and asks something about you.. I said something along the lines of I don't even want talk about her and he was like oh you guys are fighting? And I said yeah not sure about what, she isn't talking to me. She hasn't talked to me since she went to blockbuster to see you.. and he was like oh yeah I told her that I was going to your house, and I was like that's why she thought you were coming over when you weren't.. and he was all I think you guys are fighting cuz of me and I said yeah maybe. I told him how you felt like he didn't talk to you much anymore and how you feel like you lose your friends to your other friends. Omg, I guess I completely BETRAYED you!! I told him something you told me that was immature..hmm.. yeah I can see why your so pissed off. I mean I told him something so personal about you.. yeah cuz that is the most personal thing I could have told him.. really it's just the most immature thing I could have told him.

*Looks down at last post* Hmm.. I didn't really sound all that drunk, but that's a good thing! Better than making a fool of myself! lol I'm so tired right now! I woke up at 8:30 this morning cuz cuz I had to use the washroom and I couldn't fall back asleep.. I think I was still a little drunk when I woke up too.. But that was really the worst of my whole night so that's a good thing! Nothing bad happened, no one got sick, we all just had a really good time. I have some pics up on facebook, and they aren't the greatest but atleast I have some! So it's all good!
Actually something bad did happen to me last night.. Tori, Jen and I were dancing all crazy (yeah, when I dance you know I'm drunk okay! lol) and I don't know what happened exactly, I might have tripped on someones foot or my own foot, but I slightly twisted it, it hurt for a few mins last night and then the pain went away.. it kinda hurts this today though, so that sucks.. but the worst thing that happened is I LOST one of my earrings! And they were my favorite hoops! It makes me kinda sad.. Jen made me and Tori wear these Birthday pins.. Tori's was huge and cut out from a card that said "It's my birthday, Who's buying?" and I had a small dollar store one.. Tori and I traded half way through the night, and then there was this girl on the dance floor and I think she tripped, she knocked me in the head his her arm lol, and she said sorry, she felt bad, and then she saw my pin and said happy birthday! and gave me a hug.. it was pretty funny. Last night was good. I'm not the biggest fan of country music, but I think I would go back to Roosters, i was awesome!
Now I gotta go get ready to out for a late lunch/ early dinner with my family. Were going to the Keg! mmm mushrooms neptune, and steak and lobster! I love it! I'm excited!
And tomorrow I get to see CASSIE!! Woo Were going to Wings, and that's gonna be fun too! All and all I think this has been a very good birthday. :)

While I wait for my pics to upload on facebook.. I guess I'll update my jounnal while I'm still drunk.. dude I haven't ahd anything to drink in like 3 hours and and I'm still pissed! It's crazy! i guess cuz most of my drinks were doubles! I only had like 5 or 6 drinks but I guess it equals 12 when most of them were doubles.. it's crazy! So Tori, Jen, and I went to Roosters, it was actually really fun! i"m happy we went.. I'm getting really tired now.. so I should probably finish off my facebook pics and go to bed! That's really it! LOL!

Well the camping trip wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.. atleast it wasn't really dramatic or anything so that was good. My uncle George was pretty bitchy though.. it's pathetic Noelle came out the first night and then my uncle had to drive her to work the next morning, then he stayed out in Langley/Aldergrove all day to pick her up from work and bring her back to the camp trip, he did it again yesterday and I guess he did it again today! Noelle got on everyone's nerves, which isn't surprising, no one was impressed with her and she just has a major attitude. It's funny my sister didn't realize how bad it was until this camping trip and I coulda told her how bad it was before this trip! So she's some of the reason I left early.. I was going to come home today originaly but I came home yesterday instead with my sister and Louis. I can't believe how freaking tired I was! I think we got home around 2 or 2:30, I went for a nap at 4, woke up sometime around 8, went back to bed at 12, woke up this morning at 7:30, went back to bed woke up at 9:30, got up but was still exausted.. I'm still really tired. I don't really get why either!! We went to the lake that was by our camp site a few times but I didn't do anything to tire myself out! It was so cute though!! We took Roxie out, if you pick her up and put her above water she starts to move her paws like she's going to swim!! She actually swam but she stayed in the shallow end and she didn't want to come out deeper, so my mom put her in the dingy and pulled her out with us but if my sister was too far away or my mom, even when someone was was right there giving her attention she would be all upset.. I think she's a little scared of the deeper water and she was scared for us or something.. I'm not sure though. It was really cute. So I don't really have much more to say, at night I drank a little bit and everyone else was getting smoking pot and eating pot cookies.. some of my cousins were still shocked that I still hadn't tried it and they were all trying to get me to eat atleast half a cookie, I wouldn't do it though. I was pretty much like, I don't wanna be like you guys, so go away! It was kinda funny watching Terri Lee and Kenneth after they ate cookies the first night.. the second night wasn't as funny as the first night.. that night I got closraphobic in my tent... I had fallen asleep and I woke up an hour or so later, everyone else was asleep so it was pitch dark, you could barely even see the stars, my ten sides were kinda in a bit and I freaked out for a min until I found my flash light, and then I had to pee and I didn't want to go to the outhouse by myself so I peed behind my car.. I couldn't gone to the house house seeing as how it was like 15 steps away from my car but it was a bit further into the bush and you can't really see the campsite from it... anyways I get back to my tent and I had to sleep with my head bu the door, I opened the front flaps a bit further than they were (screen was still closed) and tied them so they wouldn't fall down, my eyes got adjusted to the dark and I was actually able to see some of the stars from that side of the tent so I calmed down and I was all good!! So between not wanting to sleep in that tent again, the mosquito bites (and I sprayed myself like 20 times a night, there were citronella candles everywhere and mosquito coils, but they still loved me!) and Noelle, I was happy to leave a day early!! So that's pretty much it! I was excited because last year everyone was saying how fun it was and I guess they did more stuff throght the day than too, but it was better than working or sitting at home so it was alright!

Now I think I'm just gonna go to bed soon, and hopefully I won't be so tired tomorrow!

So tomorrow should hopefully be good! I'm excited, I have my time off of work and were going to go camping tomorrow! I think I'm going until atleast Friday.. but I still have to get a few things, today so hopefully we leave and go do that soon!! I really don't have a whole lot to say, but hopefully after the trip I'll have something fun to write about! But who knows, hopefully there's no drama with my family, but you never know. There was suppose to be more of us going, but now some of my cousins can't go which sucks because I was looking forward to seeing them! But now I get my own tent so there is a plus side!! lol

Hmm well that's really all I have to say at the moment!

Holy crap I can't believe it's been 2 months since I last updated.. and you know what is really sad? Nothing is new!! You know I just want to go out and do something random, I don't care what, I just need to go on some adventure or something.. which is very odd because I'm a planner and I have to know what's happening at all times.. but for once I just want to go with it and see what it's like.. yeah I don't have much else to say.

I am so bored right now, Abbotsford sucks! I like the area I live in but there isn't anything to do here. I saw the movie Prom Night it was okay, had a few jumpy scenes but that was pretty much it. I have like nothing to say because nothing is going on around here. I'm looking for a new job, I'm starting to hate my job and the fact that everyone's hours are getting cut sucks.. I've been there for almost a year, I can't believe how fast that time went, it's crazy! Time to move on though. I think I'm going out job hunting tomorrow, I have my resumes ready and a couple applications filled out, now it's just the motivation to go out and get it done! I wanna go tomorrow and I don't. I have a few days off next week and I have a feeling I'll be going either on Monday before work or Tuesday morning. As long as I go next week and no later I'll be happy and probably feel very accomplished, which will be good.

We need a club or something here, everything shuts down so early, if there was actually something to do it would be awesome.. this town has a chruch on like every street though.. there is like 100 churches here.. probably more than that. So it's to religious a town for Casino's to come here, which means no clubs, which means no nothing! So it can get pretty boring when you come out of an okay movie and it's only midnight on a Saturday and your driving around saying shit everything is closed and we have nothing to do, I guess we better go home. It's retarded. I just had to get that out.

Oh yeah I think I have a cavity (sp?) my tooth was hurting so much for. It's starting to hurt again now but I'm so happy it's not as bad as it was this morning and last night, it's been a bitch! There's black on it so I'm pretty damn sure it's a cavity.

This sucks I didn't want this post to turn into a vent, I'm kinda tired but in a fairly good mood so I dunno.. I guess cuz it's tha time I have to be bitchy or something..

Well I really have nothing to talk about, nothing new ever happens around here.. well I did get my review today, it was okay I guess, pretty much 3/5 for everything on it, for some stuff I thought I did better, but it's from when I started to January 1st I believe (sometime in January) and they give the reviews in March or September depending on when you were hired, so if the review was written after that I know some parts would have been better, Laura even said that "remember it's from January" so that makes me feel like I am better than it actually said. Not bad first review I guess. I don't know what my raise is though because the computer system pretty much crashed today and the amount of my raise is on there so I won't know until my next pay cheque, so not this Friday, but next Frisay. I'm hoping for atleast 50 cents so I'm only 25 cents off 9 dollars, 75 cents would be the best.. I hope it's decent though and not like 10 cents, that's a shit raise lol.

Well besides that what have I done? I went to the wave pool twice last week with Tori, we pretty much only sat in the hot tub and talked but it's okay, it was relaxing.. well it was kinda last week.. it was Last Thursday, and then the Friday before that... so pretty much 2 times in a week. On the Friday though there was some pretty hot guys there lol... seriously since I never see good looking guys in Abbotsford, it's rare, and there was like 4 or 5 of them there and one was REALLY good looking.. but he had a lip ring and I don't like those.. but besides that... good times.

So today I cleaned up my Facebook.. I deleted like 20 applications atleast, I now no longer have an extended profile, everything fits on my facebook page and I like it that way. Oh shit, I think I deleted owned by accident!! That's what I deleted by accident, I thought I was missing something!! I wonder if I will still own all my ppl and still have lots of money... damn! Yes!! I still have everything!! Damn it would have sucked to lose all that money.. OKay, It's all good now! lol

I think that's all, hmm much longer than I though it was gonna be, yay me!!

Oh yeah and the stupid FUCKING cat is in heat!! And I want to kill it!! Anyone want a cat? I don't like this one, my dad brought it home from the spca a few months ago (he works by there and he saw the box she was left in, she was left on a Friday night, and the spca didn't open until Monday morning so he felt bad for it) anyways she's a bitch, you can't pet her, well you can now, but you can't pick her up, if you pet her too long she might attack you, I mean she is not really a cat for ppl for like to pay attention to their animals.. and for some reason she likes me a lot while she's in heat.. I yell at her and tell her to shut the fuck up, she follows me, I put my foot under her tummy and throw her like a foot away and tell her to leave me alone, and what does she do? She comes closer to me and follows me.. I swear this cat likes abuse or something. I think If I was to actully hurt it it might hump my leg or something.. I dunno, the cat is fucked..

This sucks! Why is it that when you want to download something really bad you can't find it, or if you do it has no seeds and is only at .01 percent completion 2 hours later? And I know it's not my computer cuz I'm downloading something else as well and my download speed is 200 kb/s and it's only taking about 40mins to download. It's retarded and I'm annoyed!! I knew I should made 2 copies of that dvd before I gave it away, I actually did have a feeling.. then after I give it away 2/3 months later what happens? Spyware and Viruses all over my computer and I lose EVERYTHING. I didn't care cuz now my computer is so much faster and all my downloads I had before were so EASY to get but now for some reason some are really fucking hard to find, especially the one movie I really want, cuz it was the best one!! Oh no way! .02 percent now!! It could be 1 percent by tomorrow, so only about 99 more days to go at this rate. Oh that would suck. Oh instead of eternaly it's saying it'll be done in 4 weeks! Oh no eternity again... Sorry just had to complain.. I'm annoyed as hell but I find this situation funny for some reason.. I mean I know I'll get it back again it could take months, but I just want it now!!

So when I download movies I use iso hunt, the pirate bay, and mini nova.. I use to use torrent spy but that is so full of porn now and the comments are off, so I don't wanna go there, I got everything from there but it's piece of shit now! Anyways anyone know any other good sites to download torrents from? The three I use are normally really good but for a couple things I tried to find it's been hard or I can find only the ogm files, which I've been told don't play on dvd players so that's not cool. Any help would be awesome!!

So what's new with me you ask? NOTHING!! I'm just bored and figured hey I have a jounal I should use it..

So high blood pressure runs in my family, and I have it now too, kinda shitty but I guess that's life.

I really have nothing to say it's bad and I'm bored and I want to update this but I have nothing!

My sisters dog is so bad, she was just barking like crazy so I decided I had to go and get her and keep her company, she's a cutie!

Tweak says, "*snort* Ima dork!" Wow, I didn't know he was a whale penis!! Maybe I should call him.. Wow that got a little dirty, and I wasn't meaning for me to say anything dirty. Oh Well.

What's new with me? Nothing!! I've been working, coming home, and that's pretty much it. This week has flown by so freakin fast!! I can't believe tomorrow is already Thrusay, I get to watch Lost, and Survivor.. I have to watch it just cuz James is back, he's the REALLY REAALY FUCKING HOT black guy, he is amazing. I have to watch some more James.. And Johnny Fairplay is back, I didn't watch Survivor then, but I guess he's that dude that told everyone was Grandma was dead and she wasn't. This is gonna be fun to watch.

I don't have anything to say *whines* I'm kinda hyper and I don't have anything to do and no where to go, I guess on the bright side I'm entertaining myself. I'm just kinda updating for the hell of updating, ya know when I get a new journal I update often for the first month and then I never do so I gotta get my updates out now! Maybe I'll actualy commit to this journal and write in it for a long time like I did in my LJ..

Well, I gottas go now.. I miss you all, and you should all comment on my journal or call/text me cuz you just should!! And yea!!